I have enjoyed the life the way I lived.
I don’t judge it.
So what, If I had my share of lows. These are the points I look back to understand where I made mistakes.
I had two brothers ho were junior to me by 1 year intervals in series. I was an introvert and sort of nice to elders. But I might have been too much inward looking by nature which was looking like selfish or self indulgent to others. The sibling-jealousies took the better of me. I had feelings of being loved and being ignored in the same breath. The perceptions were purely mine. I also have a brother who is 10 years junior to me. I was very protective about him. Hence at very early stage I learnt to be responsible towards family. My siblings are just simply adorable angels and my parents are nothing sort of divine persona to me. I love them immensely. Yet I was angry at them, I misunderstood them. The point is that these were the process of learning. I see the divine hand in the process. Paradoxically the low-points are high-points of learning.
I turned academic in my engineering graduation. Always academically in toppers’ list. I had my share of few close friends with ups and downs of immature understanding of friendship. I was little timid in my thought process , always concerned about the risks. Hence the friendship got strained at times due to this. As I grew I understood the side effects of being too concerned. Learned to be joyful in whatever situation I was in. Started enjoying being bonhomie. I fondly remember my graduation days. I love all the friends from past, though I created a lots of misunderstandings among many. But that was me…the special me….I am OK with that. The learning is amazing….Had i not erred, how would I have understood what is right?
By this time I had my share of spiritual encounters. My family is very spiritual in form of rites and rituals. I got into habit of praying as it was mandated as daily rituals. I love those moments. The connect it established with Him at those tender stage. I, strangely had a spiritual eye, I believe. I was connecting my prayer to so called lucks and coincidences. I had a feeling of being destiny’s child. The belief was firming of strongly and surely. The miracles were manifesting to sense His presence. This happened very early in life…when I was in teens and stepping into youth…
Yet the intoxication of youth also affected me. The arrogance, the overconfidence took front seat.My spiritual experiences started becoming like punctuation, to be encountered only when I am in trouble. Hence, His care was confirmed. But I was blind to my weakness. The swaying was highest in this period.
My best time were when I became a Management Trainee in a Public Sector, an aerospace manufacturing company. Got chances to study at IIT, Chennai and topped M Tech in Aerospace Production. It was the time I was in my most carefree and free-spirit state. Socializing, and befriending were at its peak. I fondly remember the last day of Management Trainee-ship and we were crying unabashedly in public to part our ways. Somewhere He showed me the divine hand in community living. The feeling of care you share outside your family…the greater family….universal one.
Then I got immersed into Job. The achievements had created an arrogance in mind. Got intoxicated to work-life and job performance. Material rewards were not any kind to talk about. My mind did not dwell in that. I was content.
I was kind of a blind person. Not aware of what marriage can do to you. Got married and all hell broke loose. I a complete unromantic, unworldly got into married life. I had seen the worst part of my emotions when I could not handle contradictions. Confused between love and right. From being carefree to no-free. The teething issues manifested. But my loving side took over. Tussle between ego and love began their endless drama in my life. I am an ordinary human and suddenly had to cope with unfamiliar tensions. But I loved the care, the possessiveness and yet hated to be tied. As life-boat sailed further I could understand the mature side of our lives. I am very lucky to have a life-partner who complements me. I am unorganized, and she is opposite. I lack worldly commonsense and she constantly fills the gap. She is completely undemanding and adjusting in material needs of life. However her devotion to make me look better, feel better and stay better at times tip over to a bit excessive. Her assertiveness is way higher than mine. We are contradictions of sort . Yet that spiced my life. I am undefined without her. I learnt the reason for presence of Yang & Ying in the universe. The divine intent is so visible. The partnership is way higher than individualism. It takes two to tango. I am incomplete without her.
I had a son in my first of year of marriage. I always wanted a son and a daughter. The public sector salary was too low and future was looking daunting to give good life to two kids without good reserve of money for them. Hence we stopped at having one kid. I regretted this decision for long…but reconciled somewhere in the life journey. I hated the lack of adequate money in my childhood. My father was an honest govt servant who could fulfill what basic requirements were required. I thought that being six member family was a strain on the expenses. But my parents never thought that way. They could not only raised us well as per their believe, but also accommodated relatives whoever needed their support. I could have imbibed this philosophy of my parents. It is so embracing and accepting type. My materialistic need got better of me. I became calculative. We stayed single-kid family, though we feel we could have been wiser. However we don’t regret. We rest our case under SAI BABA’s lotus feet, every time and all the time. by this time I was ardent believer of Shirdi SAI and my wife joined me. She also saw the miracles that He created for us at our trying times. This Leela is never ending and continues.
I love this process of life which constantly reminds me of Him.
I left the secured Public sector job in mid-life and switched to commercial corporate after I completed my executive MBA from XIM, Bhubaneswar. I topped my MBA post graduation while being in job. My wife was a huge inspiration at that trying stage. Somewhere I was bored with inefficiencies of Public sector and looking for work situation which can recognize meritrocity and move away from mediocrity. He listened to my wishes and fulfilled it. I did not know that there was a learning process in store for me.
We had our share of ups and downs in raising our only son. Frankly we, both of us, as parents were ill-equipped to handle a brilliant kid who is hyper and constantly distracted. This is an experience, as if Lord had scripted for us. Now I know that our learning is in committing mistakes and seeing the difference when we rectify them. Our traditional values and conservative middle class mentality could not handle the gay-abandons of a free spirit who is non-conformist. A complete opposite of how we have seen and lived life wearing our colored glasses. There was a time we were having a feeling of falling into an abyss and falling endlessly.
Then saw the unseen. We changed the glass. We made our son to face tough world alone and yet be supportive. We designed the situation. It created its own issues. We were misunderstood by our only son. We learnt to be patient and tolerant. We buried our frustrations and replaced it with love and care. It was like both parties are trying accommodate each other. We were told that we are spoiling our only child by giving him whatever he demands. We had to play a balancing act. Handle him and yet not spoil him. Now he is matured, loving, and a tough man. He fondly remembers the past and understands us perfectly.
What a Teacher He is!!
I have similar experience of Ups and Downs in my career. I , now know the pros and cons of secured public job and unsecured private job. I have no regrets. I have thoroughly enjoyed both workplaces. I adored both. But always felt to rectify the stuff that ails both the sides. I am immensely grateful to both the employments for what I am and what I have learnt.
In short when I look-back I find that my downs were due to me and only me and I attracted those situations for me to learn and grow.
Life continues….Learning continues….Loving continues…No matter what happens….contentment is our birthright….grab it…..embrace and melt into humankind…nope…humanness….stop calculating the future….start savoring the present…
Live a life of abundance, no matter what you have or not…The Lord has got abundance in store for you…